On being bald

 I wore my hair in a sweet, dwindling braid for two years while I experienced my hair falling out. My  thick auburn hair, that had served me so beautifully for years, the hair that I had been told over & over was my "best feature" was coming out in slow handfuls in the shower. I wore beanies and headbands.  I kept going to work. I acted like it didn't matter and it had no effect on me.  I tried to never give it a second thought, or even a first thought because, and I can't stress this enough, losing your hair is devastating. I would tell myself everyday, "Well, you could be really sick and be losing it, so be thankful." I shut down emotion around it, being pragmatic and moving ahead. I bought a beautiful, expensive wig, and I looked amazing, like an legit IG influencer. But it wasn't me. It made me feel so fake and phony. I wore wigs with conviction onstage, but offstage, it felt truly foolish to me. A wig wasn't gonna work.  I realized I had to finally shave my head when my hat fell off at a rehearsal and I swept to pick it up, absolutely terrified that someone might have seen what was happening underneath, which was a solid RiffRaff from "Rocky Horror". I knew I had to take control of the narrative. My husband was supportive, which was comforting and he helped me shave it in our little bathroom, he shaved his head, too and we were all smiles and solidarity and confidence. Very adorable, but I was still not addressing any sort of loss.

I plowed forward into life as a bald woman. I dealt with lots of looks, I know some of the old men and ladies were wondering if I was female or male, many wondered if my look was on purpose and many, many people asked how long I had been receiving chemo. It's such a multi-layered and painful thing to take on. We've got gender norms we're dealing with, social norms, and over and over again I kept coming back to the fact that people really did have an expectation of me that as a bald woman, it was my job to be open and accommodating with their questions or looks, and that they felt entitled to my story and my space. 

It took me two years to finally grieve the loss of my hair. I'm still mourning and it is what it is. I've accepted that I will be bald for the rest of my life, and that I can handle that. I still get approached by well meaning ladies who want to tell me I'm beautiful, but what they see as beautiful is a perceived struggle with illness. When I tell them I'm fine, I have Alopecia, I often get the sense they are disappointed. I get the message again that it is better to be sick than be...bald. I get to educate a lot, too. (I'm determined that's why I'm here, to teach people about perceived "otherness" in my simple lil way) There are good people out there, with honest questions.  I had a conversation with an old man wearing a "Trump 2020" mask and he totally agreed that bald women should be normalized and told me he'd never think the same about hair again. So, I'm beaming a ton of light outta this shiny scalp these days, but I also want to be very clear that every day when I look in the mirror, there's an ounce of trauma. Every day I have to choose what I'm gonna see and how I feel about it, and I don't remember having to do that when I had hair. And I miss my hair so much. So much. 

I want you to think about the things you take for granted, including those social and gender norms.

I want you to think about beauty and what you know about it and where you learned those things, because I'm pretty sure we've got it twisted and we're still passing this shit to our kids. 

I want you to be aware of what you think about other people and how they look and what you say to yourself and to them.  Do you know how many women talk about their frustrations with their hair and say, "Oh, I'm just gonna shave it all off!" LOL,  in front of me? Rude. 

I was prompted to write this because some little girl and her mom put together an online "prank" where she faked shaving her head and her mom fainted like that was the worst thing in the world, and it was hurtful to me, a 45 year old woman.  I thought about little girls who have no choice.  I thought about how scared I was to see my own mother after I shaved my head because I knew that she was going to be so sad. It made me think about how oftentimes, our experience ends at our own nose and we don't see beyond ourselves. 

I worry that kids are going to tease my son for having a bald mom. 

So. I'm going to need us all to do better. 

I encourage everyone to shave their head. 

Normalize bald women. 

-NG-