I just need to put all this out there

 

We moved to Florida (tropics) from Utah (high desert)  in 2018 and pretty rapidly, my asthma worsened and I was put on Montelukast, the generic name for Singulair, a popular allergy/asthma drug. 

I proceeded to enter some of the darkest moments of my life; we had just moved, nothing was what we expected it to be, my dog Charlotte died, my husband was working overnights, my son wasn't even two...times were hard, so it made sense that I was sad and processing...but this was different, it was dark and I definitely blamed myself.  I have spent the last 6 years climbing out of that hole while navigating the first pandemic, homeschooling my precious son and so much more - anyway - all of this matters because BECAUSE, in 2020 they put a black box warning on Montelukast. Why? Because the shit latches to your fucking brain synapses and changes your brain.  The shit changes your brain. And causes depression. And causes suicidal thoughts. 👀 Now.  How many of my doctors  ( I was treated for breast cancer last year, and I have a chronic condition - I have A LOT)  how many of my doctors do you think said anything to me about this, even after I told them again and again that I felt depressed and that many days were hard for me? HOW MANY? You know the answer. It's none. None fucking doctors. I'm a strong lady, I get I don't present a wreck, and I have a gold medal in coping, but not one doctor thought to say anything? I'm a mom with a young son! NOT ONE??  One doctor gave me, assuming it was peri-menopause, Progesterone, which must have been an amazing snack for my hormone receptive breast tumor. Another offered Zoloft, but honestly, I was too scared of my brain to add another medication, especially one whose side effects might have been even darker thoughts than I was already having. The devil you know, right? 

It's been a lot to process. The time I lost with my son is top of mind.  How my marriage struggled is top of mind.  It's so fucked, and no one will ever fix it.  

Here's the other thing, I can't just stop taking Montelukast. Physical symptoms include an aching jaw and feeling that my throat might close up. I'll see my pulmonologist in February. They want to put me on an injectable that costs a grand a month after insurance and it doesn't replace the three inhalers I already have. So.  My synapses continue to collect visitors that give me intrusive thoughts.  

I want to say that while there's not an immediate solution, this information alone has given me relief that I was right every time I pushed through, reflected, cried, hid or asked for help.

I was not flailing, I was staying alive.  

And now I'm feeling very strong and talking to myself nicer. 

Stay floppy, bean bags. 

Love, 

Nell

art by 

Steven Rhodes

NG